In a recent episode of Monica Lewinsky’s podcast Reclaiming, “Today” show co-host Savannah Guthrie opened up about the heartbreak of her first marriage ending. Guthrie, now 53, described her 2009 divorce from former husband Mark Orchard as “horrible and sad,” adding, “It broke my heart.” She spoke candidly about the emotional toll it took — a rare thing for someone in the public eye to do, especially regarding such a personal topic.
“It took me years to recover,” she admitted.
And she’s not alone in feeling that way. Divorce is far more common than many realize. According to national statistics, about 41% of first marriages end in divorce. That number climbs to 60% for second marriages, and an astonishing 73% for third marriages. Yet despite the frequency, the emotional side of divorce often gets overlooked — or swept under the rug.
Why is it so difficult to talk about something so many people go through?
Part of the reason divorce remains a difficult topic is the persistent shame and stigma that surround it. When a marriage ends, people often want a narrative — who messed up, who left whom, who’s to blame. Rarely do we ask the deeper, more compassionate question: How are you doing?
Deborah Carr, a sociology professor at Boston University and director of the Center of Innovation in Social Science, says society still struggles with how to approach divorce emotionally.
“It’s rare you see someone honestly say they were devastated and they felt like a failure,” Carr said. “The real emotional dimensions of divorce aren’t addressed.”
Instead, we hide our pain behind neutral or vague phrases: “It just didn’t work out,” “We grew apart,” “It was mutual.” These statements can serve a protective function, but they also mask the emotional turbulence that often accompanies the end of a committed relationship.
What makes Guthrie’s reflections so powerful is their emotional clarity. She wasn’t focused on blame or detailing exactly what went wrong. She spoke from the heart — acknowledging that the experience hurt deeply and took a long time to process.
In a media landscape that often encourages perfection, spin, or oversimplification, Guthrie’s vulnerability is a breath of fresh air. It reminds us that divorce is not just a legal or social change. It’s a deeply personal, often life-altering event. And healing from it takes time.
Eman Tadros, a marriage and family therapist and professor at Syracuse University, says Guthrie’s openness is rare — and necessary. “People were probably stunned she did not want to talk about this sooner,” she said. “But it’s OK for people to have different lengths of time to process things.”
That’s one of the key points that gets lost in many conversations about divorce: Everyone copes differently. Some want to talk about it immediately. Others need months or years before they can make sense of what happened — let alone share that with others.
The words we use to talk about divorce shape how we feel about it. And unfortunately, much of our cultural language around divorce is still drenched in shame and blame. Phrases like “they broke up,” “the marriage failed,” or “she left him” carry implicit judgments.
Tadros encourages people to consider more neutral, constructive language. “Replacing connotative terms like ‘break up’ with neutral ones such as ‘uncoupling’ helps avoid pointing fingers,” she said. It reframes the experience not as a failure, but as a transition — one that may ultimately lead to growth for both individuals.
This isn’t just wordplay. Language affects emotion. When we say “the marriage failed,” it implies that the people involved failed. When we say “they uncoupled,” it suggests that something changed, and the relationship evolved — or dissolved — for valid, complex reasons.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin famously used the term “conscious uncoupling” when they divorced, a phrase that was mocked at the time but now seems prescient. They weren’t trying to make divorce sound pretty — they were trying to speak about it differently. More kindly. More reflectively.
So how can we, as individuals, help shift the cultural narrative around divorce?
One simple way is by changing how we respond to others going through it. Instead of asking, “Who left who?” or “What happened?” — both of which are inherently judgmental — we can ask open-ended, supportive questions like, “How are you navigating this?” or “What do you need right now?”
Even well-meaning questions can sometimes add pressure or make people feel isolated. Tadros points out that unless someone invites your input, it’s best to offer presence rather than advice.
“People cannot support us unless they know what we’re going through,” says Carr. “But it’s important not to offer unsolicited advice to a divorcing friend. Let them ask for what they need on their own time.”
It’s also important to use “I” statements in conversations — especially if we’re the ones going through a divorce. Instead of saying, “You hurt me,” which places blame, saying “I feel hurt” keeps the focus on your own experience and emotions. This shift in tone opens the door for honest dialogue without escalating conflict.
It’s a small shift, but one with big implications.
It’s tempting to think of divorce as simply a decision — a legal change, a rearrangement of households. But in reality, it’s a major psychological and emotional shift. For many, it can feel like the end of a dream — or the unraveling of an identity.
“There are many reasons people divorce, and some will be more painful than others,” Carr says. “Often times there’s guilt to deal with, and that feeling of failure. When marriage goes away, they have to rethink every aspect of their future… That loss of innocence can be really emotionally powerful.”
Guthrie’s story illustrates this. Even though she’s happily remarried now, it took her years to come to terms with her first marriage ending. And that’s completely normal.
Healing from divorce isn’t linear. There may be days filled with grief and self-doubt — and others where a person feels hopeful and strong. Both states are valid, and both can coexist. The idea that someone should “be over it” within a certain timeframe is not only unrealistic, but also deeply unfair.
While divorce is painful, it can also be a turning point. It offers an opportunity to rediscover yourself, to understand what you want and need, and to build a new kind of life — one that may be more aligned with who you’ve become.
Guthrie eventually went on to marry Michael Feldman in 2014, and by all accounts, she seems fulfilled in her personal and professional life. But that doesn’t erase the pain of her first marriage. It simply means that healing is possible — even if it takes time, introspection, and support.
For those navigating divorce right now, it’s important to remember this: There’s no “right way” to go through it. Whether you feel relief, regret, or a complicated mix of both — it’s OK. Emotions don’t follow a script. Neither does recovery.
Therapy, journaling, support groups, spiritual practices, or simply leaning on a friend can all help. But perhaps the most healing thing of all is being allowed to feel what you feel — without judgment.
Divorce isn’t failure. It’s change.
And like any major life change, it can be painful, confusing, and transformative. It deserves to be talked about openly, without shame or stigma. It deserves space in our conversations, our communities, and our collective understanding.
Savannah Guthrie’s willingness to speak from the heart — even years after her divorce — is a step in the right direction. It’s a reminder that our stories, no matter how messy or complicated, are worth telling. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re real.
If we can learn to listen without judgment, speak with compassion, and challenge the narratives that keep people silent, we’ll create a world where those going through divorce feel less alone — and more supported in the process of healing and rebuilding.
Because in the end, the most human thing we can do for each other is to say, “I see you. I’m here. And you’re not broken — you’re becoming.”
